Issue #5: Heart
A Touch of Humor
A Cheerful Heart
from Cindy, Tahoe, NV
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
"A cheerful heart is good medicine"
Proverbs 17:22a
God's Crazy About You
from Dick Frederick, Indiana
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He could live anywhere in the universe and He chose your heart. What about the Christmas gift He sent you in Bethlehem, not to mention that Friday at Calvary?
Face it: He's crazy about you.
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an stethoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird inhere?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart in being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
Shirley Goodnest and Marcy
from Bill S.
Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week, he came home from school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" he protested loudly.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.
Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The friend said, "Well, who is she?" "That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"
"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm, it says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!" May "Shirley Goodnest" and "Marcy" be with you today and always
What does LOVE mean?
from Debbie, Scottsdale, AZ
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Chanukah and Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend that you hate," Nikka - age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age; 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 6
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
Voice Mail
by Author Unknown
Most of us have learned to live with "voice mail" as now a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:
God, Press 1
For Jesus, Press 2
For the Holy Spirit, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, Press 4
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday, after 9:30a.m.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Mistaken Identity
from Debbie, Scottsdale, AZ
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Items Needed
Mint, Candy Kiss, Tea Bag, Eraser,Rubber Band, Toothpick, Chewing Gum, Band Aid, Pencil - Why?
TOOTHPICK - To remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. Matthew 7:1
RUBBERBAND - to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. Romans 8:28
BANDAID - To remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. Colossians 3:12-14
PENCIL - To remind you to list your blessings everyday. Ephesians 1:3
ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay. Genesis 50:15-21
CHEWING GUM - To remind you to stick with it, and you can accomplish anything. Philippians 4:13
MINT - To remind you that you are worth a mint. John 3:16-17
CANDY KISS - To remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. John 4:7
TEABAG - To remind you to relax daily and go over your list of blessings. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Lord, thank You for loyal, loving friends
Who are there in winter or spring time fair.
New acquaintances are easy to come by,
But true friendship is extremely rare.
A friend always sees the best in you,
Although they've known you at your worst.
They laugh with you in the good times,
When storms threaten, they'll be there first.
They'll offer a shoulder to rest your head
When tears are welling in your eyes.
Take a walk down friendship's path with you
And help chase away those stormy skies.
Lord,thank You for all the gifts You give;
Each one makes our life seem more worthwhile.
But one of the finest gifts you've given us
Is the warmth of friendship's loving smile.
"FOR WE WALK BY FAITH! NOT BY SIGHT."
2 Corinthians 5:7
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